It’s been a crazy last month, honestly. I spent a good amount of time learning how to chart my cycles which, although not necessarily difficult, takes a different amount of dedication than I’m used to. I spent the first moments of each morning with a thermometer in my mouth, jotting down the little number on to my nice, printed out chart. I also made sure to check my cm (or lack thereof) everyday. We did everything right for the past month, but obviously still turned up a negative HPT.
Obviously, many women have this happen to them. I know I shouldn’t take it personally or think that there is necessarily something wrong just because we didn’t manage to get pregnant for a second month in a row. It’s just discouraging. It feels terrible when you/your husband are a perfectionist, and you make every effort to do everything right, only to wind up having your best efforts not work.
As you can see, at the end of last month I was slightly disappointed. We would have loved getting our positive last month, because it would have worked perfectly with David’s school district. He would have been out of school right as the due date approached, and we could have spent the whole first 3 months together. It wasn’t mean to be this past month, and I sincerely trust God with all of this, but it was still discouraging.
Then, at the start of this month, I found myself questioning our decision to TTC following Nicole’s journey and story. I sometimes find myself second-guessing the whole idea. I worry that I won’t be healthy enough to carry a baby or that something will go wrong. I do, however, think most expectant mothers think these thoughts too and having CF only adds to this fear. This doubt caused me to forget charting for the first week or so. Then suddenly, a few days ago, I woke up feeling really positive about the idea. I realized that if it’s meant to be it will happen, and there’s no use dwelling on the negative possibilities. I can acknowledge them, but I refuse to dwell on them.
So, about a week into my cycle, I’ve picked up charting again. Except now, I’m on Levaquin and my doctor has asked me to abstain from TTC. Of course, next week I should be ovulating so that may very well mean that this month is a wash and we will have to start trying again next month. It’s crazy the mindset you get into once you make the decision to start a family. It just can’t happen soon enough. I’ve even caught my husband saying things like, “They make it sound/look so easy.” I know he’s getting discouraged and ready for it to happen as well.
So, there it is. The update, or lack thereof, on our TTC journey. Had we not received a positive this month, I was supposed to meet with my OB/GYN to discuss further treatments, but that meeting may now be pushed off until December. So, in the meantime, we’ll continue to try (once the Levaquin gets out of my system), and I will continue to make myself as healthy as possible.
To all my other cysters TTC: I hope you’re able to stay positive with all the news in the CF community. It’s been a hard past month and I think we’re all ready for a new season and a new month.