Saturday, August 25, 2012

Lupron, My Dear Friend

Tomorrow morning I will begin taking Lupron injections again to get my body all prepared for a frozen transfer.

Wow, it's coming quicker than I expected.

I'm honestly GIDDY from the excitement I feel around this next transfer.

I've got quite some time to go, but I'm one step closer!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

8/23/2012 Clinic Update

I don't know many of us CFers who get excited for clinic days. I know they are always a source of anxiety for me, as I worry that my lung function has decreased or I've cultured some new bacteria. That, however, is the extent of my worry because my CF team is truly incredible. They are always sensitive about my health, cautious about antibiotics, and hopeful for my future. In all honesty, they make it much easier to go through clinic days.

I was extremely worried about this clinic day because I have been fighting a rough upper respiratory infection for weeks now. It is getting better, but I was worried about what damage had already been done in the past few weeks.

Thankfully, when my doctors listened to me there were no crackles, and only a slight diminishing in my upper right airways (which is where the infection has seemed to reside).  As for my PFTs, my FVC was up to 156%, and my FEV1 was at 85% which is right where I was before. I was stunned at the numbers. I really expected to be down, but I definitely have an angel watching over me.

With these numbers, it means I continue to up my treatments, increase my exercise, and up my sleep per day to try and continue to kick this infection by myself. It also means that the doctors are 100% behind my frozen embryo transfer!

The other, astonishing news, was my culture results. As of my last culture, the aspergillus that I was culturing has gone, and my P.A. which I have cultured for many many years was gone as well!!! The Cayston is working! Despite the P.A. results, I'm staying on Cayston until we have a few cultures where it's negative for P.A. I'm actually starting Cayston a week early as well to try and help combat my infection so that the P.A. can't take a hold and grow while I'm already sick.

The one thing I have to work on is my weight - I still need to gain about 3 pounds. I'm working on it!! Overall, fantastic appointment, and I just know I am blessed. Truly very blessed. 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

As summer winds down

I haven't had much time to post recently as I have been helping David get his classroom ready for the last week or so. This time of summer is always difficult to find time because David and I cling to our last few days of togetherness before he goes back to work.

We truly live for summers. As a teacher, my husband has an insane amount of work. I should mention that he is a perfectionist which really impacts the amount of work he actually has. Due to his job, once summer ends we get very few hours together a day. This is why, the last week before school starts, I'm pretty hard to get in contact with.

This school year brings changes upon changes. David has two new administrators and a whole new curriculum. He also is trying to help his students find the passion in reading, and we spent dozens of hours working on setting up his classroom library. The kids will be free-reading each day, and they must meet different genre requirements (for example: they must read 4 historical fiction books, 4 realistic fiction, 4 traditional lit., 4 poetry books, etc.).  The goal is that at the end of the year, the students will have read 40 books. The idea was taken from a teacher in Texas, Donalyn Miller, who does this with her students. She has written an amazing book about it, and we feel the research she includes proves that children need more time to read in class. So..a classroom library it is!! Many hours and hundreds of dollars later, we have over 300 award winning and popular books for the kids to enjoy! We're pretty proud of this library, and it will hopefully get the kids motivated!

David's library. The bins are all labeled by genre so the kids can easily sort them. 

So now that David is back to school, my blogging will probably pick up again. I'm getting ready to start the process for a frozen embryo transfer so that will keep me busy over the next few months. Also, I have CF clinic tomorrow, and I've been fighting bronchitis for awhile now so I'm pretty sure we'll be discussing antibiotics at this appointment. I'm just praying that my PFTs haven't dropped too much. 

Monday, August 13, 2012

And the Beta Result is . . .


It's taken me quite awhile to update my page, and I'm sorry for that.

I actually found out that it was negative on August 8, when my period started. My beta was actually on August 9, but we told everyone else it was on August 13. There were a few reasons for this little white lie (which I do feel terrible about, by the way). First and foremost, we had a dear friend's wedding that we were involved in on August 11, and we felt that, regardless of the outcome, we wanted them to have their day FULLY about them without worrying about how we were doing or having others ask us about the results. This was their day, and we weren't going to spoil it one way or another. The second reason we lied to everyone was so that we could have time to process the results ourselves, good or bad, and boy am I glad we did that as we needed time to mourn ourselves.

The evening of August 8 was extremely hard as I knew it was over once my period arrived. I cried for a few hours that day, and I had to keep reminding myself that we have other chances. I felt defeated though, as if someone had sucked all the joy out of me and would never let it return. As the night continued, I began to feel a little bit better realizing that we could look at doing a frozen transfer in a few months.

August 9 rolled around, and I was still required to go in for my beta. What a trip that was. I ended up being stuck twice, as if to add insult to injury, and the phlebotomist wished me luck with a giant smile. Also, I saw enough pregnant people to make me sick for the rest of the day. I took some time to myself after the blood draw, and I simply drove around town letting myself feel upset and down. Truthfully, it helped tremendously to handle it alone (as strange as that probably sounds).

The next day, the nurse called with my results and sounded devastated for me. I told her it was ok, and that I had already known. She then asked if we needed time off or if we wanted to schedule a frozen transfer. I immediately jumped on the frozen transfer and have felt much better since making that plan. I actually got my schedule in the mail today, and I began my birth control pills again already!! It's well over a month away, but it gives me something to look forward to!

I want to thank you all for your support, well wishes, prayers, and good thoughts throughout this first IVF round. Although we are quite sad it was not successful, we believe in our hearts that God has a plan that is far greater than any plan we could ever create. He does not make mistakes, and whatever is His will is what is meant to be. Hopefully that includes a child in our future, but if it doesn't then we just pray that God gives us the strength to understand his choices. Thank you again for your understanding, patience, and love that you have given us - we are truly grateful!

Monday, August 6, 2012

The Stress of the 2ww

The stress of the two week wait has officially gotten to me. I was doing pretty well until yesterday when I began spotting. The spotting stopped yesterday evening, but then started up again today.

Well, today was my first official breakdown. I just started bawling, and I got that overwhelming feeling that I was sure this cycle didn't work. I've lost all pregnancy cramping, no tender breasts, no nausea, nothing. Also, the spotting makes me think my period is starting as well.

After that, I went into an even darker place where I became sure that IVF would never work for us and we were destined to be childless. Dramatic much?

I just have so many emotions and so much desire put into this IVF process, and I'm so terrified of getting my heart broken if it's negative. We'll find out soon...but the wait is definitely the hardest part of the entire process! 

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

To Test or Not to Test?

Ahh, the dreaded decision for many women going through infertility treatments (or just women who are trying to conceive).

Do I test early or do I wait for my first beta draw?

I'm truly not sure what I want to do at this point. It's far too early to test yet, but I'm not sure if I want to start at 6 days past transfer or not.  There's the risk that I could get a positive, but it's a chemical pregnancy which  would be so hard to take. There's also a chance that it will be negative, but I could still get a positive beta.

It's almost like taking the test (even if it's positive) won't allow me to stop worrying anyway. Plus, I don't want that disappointment of seeing a BFN yet again.  Part of me worries that even with IVF we are not meant to get pregnant, so testing will just result in a BFN each time.  This could stem from the fact that all I've seen are negatives so I'm just kind of used to them at this point.

Other than the dilemma of me testing, I've come down with a pretty nasty cold..what wonderful timing! Sore throat, congested chest, and sneezing like crazy. That means I've been taking it really easy and hydrating as much as possible.

I've been trying not to "symptom watch," but it's a very difficult thing to avoid. I know that at this point there wouldn't be any symptoms anyway, but when I got a wave of nausea this morning prior to eating breakfast, I thought "hmmm....maybe..just maybe!" More than likely, it's NOTHING except my mind getting itself all excited!