Saturday, September 8, 2012

Feelings Over my FET

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I had just finished my first full fresh cycle. At this point, I was pretty sure that the transfer had failed, and my body was sore, exhausted, and desperate for normalcy. In fact, I dreaded the frozen transfer because the fresh cycle was so difficult on my body.

Now, I feel like I'm not really preparing for a transfer. It's interesting to notice the differences between a fresh cycle and a frozen cycle. After so many ultrasounds, blood checks, injections, and surgery I felt like I needed to rent an apartment in the city to make it easier! This time around there are two appointments. That's it - just two. Yes, there is a daily injection (as opposed to 3 - 4), and there is some medication, but that's the extent of it. It is, in a word, strange. 

This cycle is just drastically different from the fresh transfer. We've been keeping it very quiet as well because we want to experience it ourselves, so the pain or excitement of the result can be processed as a couple. Doing so allows us to feel like we're "normal" even when we're not. Also, the fewer appointments allows it to feel less medically involved also, which is a great feeling. 

I've reached my point, however, where I am beyond ready to be pregnant. I need this to work now. It's so crushing and depressing to find out your body doesn't work the way it's supposed to month after month, and it's been eating away at me over the past few days. I've been in a dark place, and I just keep praying that this is my time to carry a child - to experience the joy of having a living being growing inside of me. We have heard a few comments from people over the last few weeks, and they've irritated me to no end (the Lupron may be partly to blame for this irritation/sadness). Here they are, from least to most irritating:

"Just wait - having kids means no more sleeping in!"  - I don't sleep in now, and getting up for a baby would be a much better reason to not sleep.
"You'll never have free time once you have a kid." - Great! I'm ready to someone to love, teach, discipline, and just be with every second of every day.
"You're lucky! You don't have kids to take away your life yet" - Really? This is one thing you should never say to someone with infertility. YOU, dear parent-friend, are the lucky one.

"I can't wait to see you guys try this - it's not as easy as it looks." - I never said parenting was easy. In fact, it's the hardest job there is - I can't wait to be blessed enough to experience it.

and my personal favorite:

"Well, it's ok that you're not pregnant, you have PLENTY of time - you're YOUNG." - One, it's NOT ok that I'm not pregnant. It is in no way, shape, or form, ok. Second, you obviously do not a thing about me because I don't have plenty of time to have a baby. My prime baby-carrying time is NOW. 

Needless to say, I've been staying away from people over the last week or so!
So, those are my feelings right now. Sad, I know..but I promise the next post will be more uplifting! 


  1. Oh, Megan... I don't even have the words to comment on this post. As trite as it sounds, all I can say is... I know how you feel! I haven't done IVF and I can't imagine the added heartbreak that would give, but I definitely have been in the throes of long-term infertility, and it's such a hard place to be. It's made even harder with insensitive comments! I can't believe the person who said that second to last one. That's just mean. :(

    I wish I could say something that would make it all better, but all I can say is that you guys are deeply in my prayers and that I love you! It really is just so, so hard. I think that nobody can quite understand the pain of infertility until they experience it - and even regular people struggling with infertility can't understand the many layers of added frustration having CF adds.

  2. I second Cindy's response! I have said it before no one will ever understand what it is like to walk in the shoes of infertility and CF!!! Just know that Megan you are not alone in this journey.

    Keeping you guys in our thoughts and prayers!

  3. *HUGS* I for one cannot wait to see what fantastic parents you and David will be. I also can't wait to spoil the hell out of your kid. I know its hard right now, but I have faith that it will get better.

  4. Cindy, as always your comments are a form of healing; it's so nice to know that you really understand. I do agree with the fact that CF adds frustration to infertility (and the other way around). I wish it wasn't the case. I want to thank you for the prayers. I do believe God has a perfect plan, and I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

    John, Thank you for your sweet words. You are right: no one understands until they have been through it. Also, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I do believe that prayer is the ultimate answer for many things. I keep praying that I just have the strength and courage to accept God's plan, whatever it may be.

    Anna, Thank you for the hugs! Thank you for the confidence in us as well :). Aww, I can't wait to see you come over and spoil our child. I was thinking the other day that despite David and I being minimalists in our approach to toys, our child will be spoiled by so many aunts and uncles!

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