Sorry to post so much, but it's one of the things holding me together right now.
I'm struggling today. I woke up feeling great and ready to take on the day, and then early this morning I felt myself near tears and wanting to just sit and do nothing. I fought the urge by cleaning. I've been organizing and clearing things out; I think it's something I have control over, so I want to do it.
I think this weekend is going to be rough for me because quite frankly I'm scared. I know that just being referred to infertility isn't saying I CAN'T have children, but right now that's how it feels. I keep worrying that Monday we will find out I will never be able to have a child, or that something is seriously wrong and requires attention. I also know that God's plan works the way it is supposed to work, but I still find myself worried and upset.
I also feel really weak about this...like I'm not handling it the way I should. I haven't even necessarily received "bad" news yet, but it sure feels heartbreaking. I wish I was stronger and able to tell you all that I'm breezing through this experience so far, but I'd be downright lying to you. Some minutes, I'm on the edge of collapsing, and other times I realize it will all work out. I do, however, feel my anxiety building slowly as we get closer to Monday. The butterflies in my stomach are almost constant, and I really have not wanted to eat today.
My guess is that my house will be VERY clean come Monday...so next week we may have to invite people over before it gets super messy again :)
I'm struggling today. I woke up feeling great and ready to take on the day, and then early this morning I felt myself near tears and wanting to just sit and do nothing. I fought the urge by cleaning. I've been organizing and clearing things out; I think it's something I have control over, so I want to do it.
I think this weekend is going to be rough for me because quite frankly I'm scared. I know that just being referred to infertility isn't saying I CAN'T have children, but right now that's how it feels. I keep worrying that Monday we will find out I will never be able to have a child, or that something is seriously wrong and requires attention. I also know that God's plan works the way it is supposed to work, but I still find myself worried and upset.
I also feel really weak about this...like I'm not handling it the way I should. I haven't even necessarily received "bad" news yet, but it sure feels heartbreaking. I wish I was stronger and able to tell you all that I'm breezing through this experience so far, but I'd be downright lying to you. Some minutes, I'm on the edge of collapsing, and other times I realize it will all work out. I do, however, feel my anxiety building slowly as we get closer to Monday. The butterflies in my stomach are almost constant, and I really have not wanted to eat today.
My guess is that my house will be VERY clean come Monday...so next week we may have to invite people over before it gets super messy again :)
I think this is 100% normal. I know that for months I had this doom and gloom feeling in my heart that we would NEVER be able to have a child EVER (cue dramatic music), even though I have over the years received many sweet reassurances from my Heavenly Father that one way or another, I will be a mother in this life. I think that sense of dread and anger is completely normal, and it's okay to just sort of "ride it out." Eventually, your heart will begin to heal, but for right now you are trying to process a lot of really difficult things and it's okay to have a hard time with it. I think you're handling it very well. One thing I have really learned through my own process of grieving is that it is not possible to just MAKE myself feel better - I have to let myself have time to work through my emotions. Some nights I just need to have a good cry, even now, when things are mostly a lot better.
ReplyDeleteVirtual hugs to you! You're on my mind a lot this week. I hope that your consult with the doctor next week is able to bring peace into your heart to some degree. And of course, I'm always an email away! ;)
Thank you yet again Cindy. I can always find comfort in your words. I'm actually doing pretty well right now (surprisingly), but I think a lot of it has to do with my husband being home and being so distracted this weekend. I'm slowly realizing that this is really a good thing. We're not wasting any time now, which is great when you consider my lung function needs to be really high. :) No matter what he tells me Monday..my husband will be there with me, and we will get through it. I'm just hoping for best-case scenario right now. If not, however, we'll figure it out :)
ReplyDeleteYou are such a wonderfully caring person, and I'm so grateful for how much you are here for me :) Thank you for all you do :)