Publicizing our Infertility Journey

So, when I decided to make our infertility journey public, I realized I would need to write a post describing how I got my diagnosis, what our options are, and where we are with the process. I've published that post and it will follow below, but mostly it's a recap of what has been posted on this blog before.

Late last year my husband and I found out that we would (more than likely) not be able to conceive without the help of infertility treatments. When I first heard the news, I was devastated. I went through a few different emotions, including feeling worthless, because as a woman I felt it was my job to bear a child; if I couldn’t do that naturally, what was my “purpose?” Yes, it probably sounds silly, but an infertility diagnosis is hard to swallow. It took me a few months to be really ok with it, and I’m still nervous about the journey that lies ahead of me. What follows is a small snippet of the journey we have been on with this diagnosis, and an update on where we are in the process now.

***If you are squeamish about terms like uterus, eggs, sperm, or cervix please just skip this post. Also, I am not  in any way, shape, or form dispensing any medical advice. Please see your doctor for any concerns with fertility.***

To begin, how did we get diagnosed with infertility? We began (like almost all couples) by trying to start a family naturally. I had always been concerned that I might not get pregnant naturally though (a gut feeling), and so I began talking to my doctors about this concern early on. I began with my local OB who felt that with actively trying and charting my basal body temperature (a technique many women do when trying to conceive) we should see results in six months.  I then spoke with my CF team (who had given us approval for having a baby quite some time before) and was referred to a high-risk OB to establish a relationship prior to getting pregnant.  At the high-risk OB appointment, the doctor suggested that we get a baseline ultrasound just to see how everything looked.  Upon review of my ultrasound, it was determined that we would probably not be able to conceive naturally. The ultrasound showed that my one ovary was filled with cysts and they couldn’t find my second ovary at all. This led my high-risk OB to immediately refer me to an infertility specialist.

The infertility specialist, or R.E. (reproductive endocrinologist), met with David and me and upon reviewing the ultrasound came to the same conclusion as my high-risk OB.  He then began discussing our options with us. It was a long appointment, filled with information, but I left feeling that I firmly grasped the options we had before us since he broke them down into laymen’s terms so well. Basically, we were told that we had a few problems going against us. The first was the anatomy of my body, and the second was my CF. With my CF, I produce thick, sticky mucus that builds up everywhere.  Therefore, any number of things could be blocked with this mucus.  We were then told we have two different options: IUI (intrauterine insemination) and IVF (in vitro fertilization). Let me explain the two briefly.

IUI – Intrauterine insemination allows the doctor to take the sperm and bypass the cervix. In other words, the sperm is deposited into the uterus allowing for greater likelihood of sperm meeting egg. Typically, a woman is also given Clomid or other drugs to ensure egg production and ovulation. IUI is much less invasive than IVF, and it is typically the first step in an infertility diagnosis. Also, IUI has a high risk of multiples. Basically, with IUI, the doctor is not able to easily control how many eggs are produced and thus the risk of multiples is higher. Kate Gosselin (Jon and Kate plus 8) used IUI and wound up with sextuplets.

IVF – In vitro fertilization allows the doctor to fertilize the egg outside of the body resulting in higher success rates due to the fact that the “sperm meeting egg” part of the equation is already taken care of.  With IVF, a woman is given hormone injections for a length of time to allow her body to produce a LOT of eggs. Then, the woman is put under anesthesia while the doctor goes in and removes as many mature eggs as possible.  The eggs are then fertilized with sperm in a laboratory.  The doctor will then transfer a predetermined number of embryos back into the women’s uterus (the unused embryos may be frozen depending on the couples wishes) to maximize chances of conception. With this procedure, the risk of multiples is controlled. Yes, many women have had multiples with IVF (think octomom), but that was due to a doctor putting in too many embryos. 

After explaining the risks and benefits of each procedure, the doctor told us his thoughts but said it was ultimately our choice. Our R.E. stated that he wants us to go straight to IVF due to the lowered success rates of IUI combined with the higher chance of multiples in IUI.  He stated that with IVF I will be only implanting ONE embryo at a time which means ONE baby as my body could not easily carry more than one.

David and I debated over and over again about whether or not to try IUI first, but we ultimately decided to go straight to IVF since the overall success rates are higher and the chances of a multiple pregnancy are GREATLY reduced. My doctors have been overwhelmingly supportive about me carrying a baby and becoming a mom, but my time frame of “optimum” health is dwindling away pretty quickly which is why it’s even more important to try the higher success option first. 

So with that decision under our belt, a variety of doctor’s approvals were needed prior to starting the process. As of last month, we finally got our last approval letter in which means we are set to begin the IVF process in the next month or two. It’s crazy to have waited so long and now it feels so..all of the sudden.

For those of you with objections or concerns about the IVF process, please know that while I respect them, I would ask you not to voice them. I understand why people have objections with the process, especially on religious grounds, but until you have been in this situation, I ask that you not judge others who are going through it.  As for concern over my health, I understand and am greatly appreciative of prayers and good thoughts sent our way. That said, I have NORMAL lung function and my diabetes is in REALLY GOOD control. I’ll have a high-risk pregnancy, but I’m in the best time of my life to carry a child. Also, please know that ALL of my doctors have signed off on this saying that I am perfectly fine to do this, and I will be monitored to the extreme during the entire pregnancy. Again, prayers or good thoughts are appreciated, but as this is written primarily to help others who may suffer from infertility as well, please refrain from posting any negative commentary as it is a sensitive issue to myself and to the other thousands of women who struggle with an infertility diagnosis. Thank you.

The Road Ahead

So, I haven't posted much fertility information recently and decided it was time for a brief update.

David and I had our last genetic test done up at U of C and we are still waiting for the results of that news.  I also had my liver test done (due to my high liver enzyme levels), and they came back...NORMAL! Such great news!!! My doctors aren't concerned about IVF in regards to my liver, and once the genetic tests come back all of my doctor approvals will be in.  As far as I can tell, this is our last step before we are ABLE to start IVF.

That said, we've made the decision (I still need to talk to the doctor fully about it) to try IUI first. I just want to try doing the less invasive first, especially since I've now ovulated for two cycles.  I feel like this may be the smart approach, and then if it doesn't work we can head into IVF knowing that we tried the least invasive measure first.  Before doing IUI, however, I am going to try a month of mucinex to see if I can thin out my cervical mucus even more.  I'm not holding on to any hope for it to work, but I figure it's worth a try.

So for now, the game plan is to try one cycle with the mucinex, and then move on to IUI for at least 3 cycles before reevaluating.  We did decide to still try naturally for this current cycle. Oddly enough, I think I have become so used to getting BFNs that I'm not focusing on "pregnancy symptoms" this month.  I'm a week past ovulation now (with EWCM, YAY!) and normally I start seeing everything as a sign, but this time absolutely NOTHING.  Very odd for me, but it's nice to not be obsessing over it for once. :)

Hoping everyone else is doing well and feeling healthy! 

Holding Off on IVF

After March 6 turned all my family's lives upside down, I've been trying to put as many pieces back together as possible. Today is my day to actually write a new blog post. I figured it was as good a time as any to update you all on what's been happening over the past month.  Let's start with my sister and then move on to fertility and other things.

Almost immediately after my sister's diagnosis, she had a port put in so that she could receive chemo easily and can also have blood draws done without a million sticks. She loves her port already, and I'm sure that the feeling will only get stronger as the treatments continue.

Last Monday, Ellen started chemo and the first treatment went really well. She has a 4 hour chemo followed by a 48 hour chemo every 2 weeks. The first treatment usually goes pretty well for people, but the effects of chemo are cumulative so we will start to see more side effects as the treatments continue.  Other than just feeling extremely tired very easily, she has been feeling well so far!

Obviously, we've all been under a completely overwhelming amount of stress. I've done decently well handling the stress (better than I thought I would actually). I can easily say that the week of March 6th was the worst week of my life to date, but I managed to weather it without getting sick. I lost about 5 pounds total, but I've been gaining it all back.  I also am starting to feel sick now, but I think it's mostly allergies. My eyes are burning/itching, and I'm coughing much more from tickles in my throat. Again, I think it's allergies. As I expected, The one area that was definitely affected by the stress was my cycle. I ended up having a 29 day cycle last month....normally my cycles are 36-40 days! It was QUITE odd to have a "normal" cycle for a change, but I think the stress caused it to start early.  We'll see what this cycle does.

Again, due to the stress and the situation, we've decided to put off IVF treatments for now. We realize that we have a time-frame for having children, but if we're both stressed a pregnancy won't go well.  We are going to continue TTC naturally, but we'll see if I end up getting anywhere with that method.  I've also decided to try IUI prior to IVF as long as we can do it with a minimal risk of multiples (unmedicated IUI cycles).  So, I'll definitely keep you all updated when we decide to go along with IUI.

I will say that my sister's diagnosis allowed me to feel grateful not to be pregnant for the first time since we started TTC.  I was so glad I wasn't pregnant because I know I wouldn't have weathered the diagnosis without something bad happening. I probably would have wound up in the hospital on IVs. It's crazy when you look back at things and see God's hand in everything. I love that feeling.

So, as we end the month, we're hoping and praying for successful chemo treatments which shrink the tumors very quickly, and we're hoping for a natural pregnancy! My birthday is on Saturday so we'll be celebrating that, and that's the start of David's spring break! It should be a great upcoming week! 

Just Another Hurdle to Jump

Over the past few weeks, we have been getting excited (and anxious) about starting infertility treatments. On Monday, I received a call with my liver results, which we were expecting to be good (due to my enzyme levels in Dec. and the ultrasound tech saying that my liver looked good).  My Dr. stated that my ultrasound, did indeed look great, but my new enzyme level draws (from 2-9) showed that my levels were once again elevated.  Because of this, she can not recommend us for fertility treatments or for me to carry a pregnancy because she is unsure what is going on in my liver (IVF drugs and pregnancy can throw a regular liver into overdrive, so a liver that is already damaged can have permanent damage).  She said that she wants to re-draw my liver enzyme levels in another month, and if they are still high at that point, she wants to do a biopsy to figure out what's wrong.  Hopefully, the blood draw will come back ok.

Basically, we've reached yet another hurdle that we have to jump over.  This time, however, I'm not able to see the finish line beyond the hurdle.  I realize this may be a bit dramatic, but honestly I'm just getting tired of hearing "just one more test," or "you need another approval letter."  I want to hear, "Ok, we're all set to go with this."  I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

Because of yet another hurdle (this one being more serious than ones we've encountered in the past), we are trying to prepare ourselves for the worst, but still hope for the best.  We are seriously considering, for the first time, that maybe our path isn't meant to include children that are genetically ours.  We are openly talking about adoption or fostering, and we are also trying to accept that it may just be the two of us forever.  Right now, we can barely afford to keep ourselves afloat, let alone be accepted for adoption or fostering (and this is before the CF consideration). Adoption and fostering may simply be out of the question. Yes, these are possibilities that may never occur, but they are real possibilities, and they have to be considered.

Needless to say, Monday night I sat and cried for hours, and my husband held me for hours.  He told me we'd face it all together, no matter what.  He told me that while it has always been his dream to have kids, he'd throw it all away if he could just have me in his arms forever.  As much as we both hate this infertility journey, we can't disagree with the fact that it is bringing us closer and closer with each new barrier we have to break down.

It's Wednesday now, and we're able to look at everything a bit more rationally and a bit less emotionally.  That said, we are (despite what the doctor stated) going to keep trying for a baby naturally. Although it may not be recommended, most of the CFers I know have slightly elevated liver enzymes, and they still are fine throughout a pregnancy.  I'm ok with not having fertility treatments for another few months, but I'm not ok, and will not be ok, with abandoning trying to conceive altogether. My doctor has done every test, short of a biopsy now, and it all looks ok, just with an elevated enzyme level (of 44 I might add which isn't much higher than normal). We will keep trying naturally.

So for now, our plan is to continue trying, continue praying, and continue trusting in God's plan. We firmly believe it will work out the way it's supposed to, and if we are meant to not have kids, then that's the way it goes and we will figure it out together. 

Two Thanksgivings = a very happy belly!

Wow, it's hard to believe that Turkey day is finally upon us! For the past 5 years now, David and I have been enjoying two Thanksgiving dinners every year.  It's really the best way go about the holidays if you ask us because we get to experience each holiday we love twice!

This year, we will be spending the day before Thanksgiving with my family.  My parents are making turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, cranberry casserole, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, homemade potato rolls, and I'm bringing corn casserole and strawberry fluff.  My mom is also taking the time to make a pecan pie which ought to be quite delicious as my mom is a pretty good baker!  For those of you who do not live in the United States, it's probably hard to fathom this much food for a small family get together.  It's a lot of preparation and dedication in order to get it all on the table in time, and we always feel bloated and tired a few hours after enjoying our meal.  Despite the work, it's worth it when you bite into that savory turkey! Thankfully, I'm enjoying two meals without any of the work (other than  little bit of clean-up)!!!

Actual Turkey day will be spent with David's mother, his brothers, their wives, and their children, and his great-aunt. It should be a fantastic day filled with more good food and lots of enjoyment with our 1 1/2 year old nephew and almost 2 year old niece.  My mother-in-law always goes above and beyond with Thanksgiving dishes as well.  We usually have a very similar menu to the one my parents make, but she also makes an amazing lasagna or mac % cheese every year as well. Absolutely delicious.  Usually we spend the majority of the day there afterward just hanging out with the family, and I'm looking forward to it this year!

Tomorrow, prior to heading to my parents, we will be making a trip to U of C for the sperm analysis to be completed.  My husband wasn't happy having to take a day off of work for it, but it has to be done and it seemed like a 5 hour day right before  holiday was the best time for a sub to take over.  The kids are going to be completely done with learning anyway for that day.  

As we get so very close to Thanksgiving, I want to share two things that I am grateful for today.  The first wonderful blessing was a visit from my college roommate and one of my best friends.  She is one of the best women in the world, and I am so blessed to have gotten to know her as well as I have over the years.  A couple of years ago, she moved away from Illinois with her husband and therefore only makes occasional trips back here.  She is in town for her birthday this year, and she took the time out of her schedule to stop by, have dinner, and just hang out like we did back in our college days. It was so wonderful!! What a blessing!

I am also grateful for insulin.  Up until this summer, I have put off going on insulin for as long as possible. Once hearing that I had to gain the weight, I reluctantly started using it.  Well, with Thanksgiving here, I am so grateful to be on it now.  I used to restrict myself, especially at holidays, but this year I'm eating as much as I want of anything and everything.  I'll be able to just cover myself with insulin and not worry about it.  Look out turkey...here I come!!

I doubt I will post again before Thursday so I sincerely wish you all a blessed, family-filled, safe, and happy Thanksgiving!! 

One Step Forward . . . Two Steps Back

Sometimes, when you really want something, it seems like progress almost moves backward before you start to see any results.

After posting yesterday I got the news from my doctor that as far as my lungs are concerned, there is no reason not to go through with IVF.  I was and still am elated and overjoyed about this factor.  She said that there are risks with IVF, but it shouldn't be any more prevalent just because of my cystic fibrosis.  Fantastic news!! 

Then she dropped the other shoe.  

The last time I was up at clinic my liver enzymes were much higher than normal.  I run somewhat high liver enzymes always due to the CF, but these were about 2 times as high as normal amounts.  She said that some IVF drugs are rough on the liver and therefore I need to see a liver specialist prior to doing my IVF treatments.  Surprisingly, I was ok with this information when she gave it to me.  I took down the specialists number and realized that this was just another step in the process.  

After hanging up with my doctor, I immediately called the scheduling department for the liver specialist.  Scheduling informed me that the earliest appointment is the last week of January/first week of February 2012.  This part...I'm NOT ok with.  

There's no real reason this should bother me as I realize that seeing specialty doctors often comes with a long wait, but when I was told my first cycle of IVF would be in January/February I was excited, and now I'm being told we have to wait even longer.  Yes, I know it's only another couple of months.  Yes, I realize that the ultimate goal is for me to be healthy to carry a baby. Yes, I realize that God has a right course for me and that it will work out the way it's supposed to.  No, I'm still not ok.

Ultimately, this is just a bump in the road, but once my husband and I made the decision to start a family every  month without a positive pregnancy test has been torture.  I'm so ready to be a mommy and being told that your dream has been delayed even more is hard to hear sometimes.  I'm also worried about the liver enzyme numbers.  I'm seriously hoping that nothing is wrong with my liver outside of normal CF inflammation and such, and I have to wait til next YEAR to find out. 

Until then, I'll just cross my fingers that all is well.  Is 2012 here yet? Please?

With that said, I think it's appropriate to be thankful for fresh starts.  I love the new year because it always seems like a new beginning and that anything is possible. There is no logical reasoning why problems should stop at the end of one calendar year, but sometimes it certainly seems to work out that way.  I love being able to make resolutions (and usually break them), and I love reflecting on the past year and creating a plan to make the upcoming year even better.  It seems like a second chance and it happens every twelve months!  I can't wait for New Years Eve this year!!

A writing rut

Despite the fact that dear hubby and I had a wonderful weekend, I am in a bit of a writing rut.  I feel desire to write, but everything that seems to come out is incoherent trash.  Therefore this is going to a very brief update.

David and I are really coming to terms with the infertility issues we are facing.  I even went to a baby shower yesterday and was able to get through it without any feelings of resentment (and only a twinge of sadness).  David also wanted to tell his parents so we told them over the course of the weekend as well. They are both very supportive and keeping us in their prayers.  At this point, we need to schedule David's semen analysis and then just wait for my period to continue.  Technically, I'm still not sure if my doctor has given the green light for the treatment, but I don't want to bother her again (it's only been a week).

My lungs have been a bit junky over the past week, but it seems like they are getting better on their own.  Last week I did have some blood in my sputum, but I think it came from my sinuses/throat.  I did, however, back off of hyper-sal and Cayston for a day or two to let whatever was open heal.  Hopefully everything stays healed and no more blood presents itself.

Other than that, I'm just getting ready for Thanksgiving (a week and a half away!!!) and Christmas.  I'm ready to decorate the house, and I think I may start hauling boxes downstairs as early as tomorrow.  Decorating usually takes me a full week for Christmas.  I can't wait to share pictures of the house and how cute it looks when I'm done this year.  Each year, we add to our Christmas decorations...I wonder what our new addition will be this year??

To get me into the Christmas mood, I've been blaring Christmas music (yes, I'm one of those people).  I have been listening to it since November 1..possibly a bit earlier?  Our one radio station here changed over to 24/7 Christmas music Wednesday of last week which has just caused me to get even MORE excited.  I'm sorry to those who hate Christmas music and early Christmas decorating. I know I'm a bit eccentric, but I love it :)

As we head into another full week, I am grateful for family dinners.  My parents had us over last Friday and it was such a nice time.  We had pot roast with potatoes, carrots, and garlic bread.  Both David's family and mine really enjoy family dinners together. We are very blessed to live so close to our families and to be able to share a nice meal with them on a regular basis.

What are YOU grateful for today?

Initial Consult with the R.E.

Good morning all! 

I was going to post yesterday, but I was a bit overwhelmed with everything and needed to just take it all in yesterday. I know you are all wondering what happened, so here it goes:

Yesterday we woke up bright and early, ready to nervously head to our Reproductive Endocrinologist's (RE's) office for the first time.  We made sure to give ourselves PLENTY of time because I had no idea where this office was located, as it was separate from the normal University of Chicago hospital.  We were also given directions to obtain free parking for the clinic, but it seemed confusing and I wanted to make sure we found it easily. We left 2 hours prior to our appointment time.  

Well, an hour later we were at the clinic, parked in the free parking, and walking up to the office.  The building is definitely confusing at first, and it takes a few minutes to get acquainted with the layout of everything.  Upon entering, I was actually surprised at how small the waiting area was. It had 3 small couches in it, and that was it.  Also, it didn't feel very "medical" feeling, which I think they do on purpose to keep patients more comfortable about the whole situation.  

After only a few minutes (we had done all the paperwork in advance), we were led back to a consultation room which consisted of comfortable rolling chairs and a round table. It was actually a really nice little room, but as my nerves were pretty high upon arriving, I didn't really care too much about the decor.  We waited about twenty minutes (remember we were an hour early), and then our Dr., Dr. C., walked in apologizing for being late (even though he wasn't late, we were EARLY).  

He introduced himself, sat down, and started asking us a lot of personal history questions. We answered them pretty quickly, and he started getting down to my medical problems and my reason for being there.  He then pulled out the ultrasound and started talking to us about our options of how to continue.  

Thankfully, there was nothing majorly wrong on my ultrasound. The reason I was referred is because of the right ovary being invisible and the left one being filled with cysts.  My high-risk OB thought that with the time-crunch CFers have, he would rather just have me head over to infertility and get the assistance I need instead of trying for another few months without a result.  Dr. C. said that there are some potential problems because of my ovaries.  He said that with CF there is the problem of tubal blockages, and he feels that with my other ovary "missing", the tubing is probably twisted as well.  He also indicated a few other problems that may arise due to multiple abdominal surgeries at birth.  He said that my adhesions make it difficult for everything to work properly, which makes total sense.  

He continued to tell us more of the potential issues, but honestly I can't remember them all (they're written down on the sheets he gave us, but for the purpose of clarity and brevity, we'll just leave them out).  Then, he told us our two options:

1) IUI

2) IVF

He said we could try IUI if we wanted, but he felt that we would ultimately find ourselves in IVF treatments regardless.  He explained why he felt that and then he also explained the risks of both treatments to us.  After over an hour discussion at the clinic, and more discussion at home together, we've decided that the right course of action for us is IVF.  Why?

One of the biggest fears we have about IUI is the chance of multiples.  With IUI, the risk of twins (or more) is 30%!! Honestly, I do not think my body could handle twins very well as I am EXTREMELY tiny.  I think one baby is going to be hard enough on my body.  With IVF, the doctor will only be implanting ONE embryo at a time.  

Also, the testing to see if my tubes are open enough for IUI in the first place, comes with a risk of infection and requires antibiotics prior to the test and after the test.  I'm already on antibiotics full time, and I do worry about my body handling infection (the reason for infection is that they have to shoot a contrast up through the uterus and tubes).  He said also that even if the test comes back showing my tubes are open enough for dye to go through, they may still be blocked too much for actual conception to occur because of the thickened mucus in CF and the little tiny hairs that line the tubes which can collect the mucus and other junk.  

With IVF, we will be able to genetically test the embryos for CF prior to implantation, which is a good idea as well.  We also will be able to place only one embryo at a time. He suggested, and we agree, that overall it's the safest and most effective method for us.  PLEASE do not take OUR decision as the "right" or "wrong" decision...infertility treatments are extremely personal and each couple needs to make their OWN decision with their doctor's help.  

Gosh these posts are just getting longer and longer..I truly apologize!!

So what now? Now, we make sure my CF doctor approves IVF treatments, and then if she does, we head forward.  I will receive an ultrasound and bloodwork 3 days into my next period.  Then we will start going through the entire process of hormone injections to get me ready for egg retrieval. I will detail all of this much more as we get closer to each process. 

Overall, it was a great day and we now have a plan. I still feel conflicted because I am definitely nervous about the hormones and the egg retrieval surgery, but overall I agree that it's the safest way to go for us. It's just a very strange and difficult decision to make.

Thank you all for your prayers, hugs, and good thoughts as I waited over the past week. I can never explain how much it meant to me, and how much you all got me through this past week.  Now, onto the next part of this journey...just hoping for doctor's approval at this point.  If she approves, we're looking at the first implantation to be January or February! Eek! :) 

Paperwork and a Rollercoaster

Today has been filled with paperwork.  If I was ever shy about sharing any part of my medical history, I'm certainly not anymore.  Today I answered about every medical question I could ever imagine.  10 pages of family history and personal history questions takes forever to get through, but I finally finished..well I finished MY section of the paperwork.  When David gets home, we'll work on his section.

We have not wanted to share this fertility journey with family/friends because it is personal to us, and it is hard to explain that we've failed to do something naturally that most people can do.  My mother, sisters, and a few VERY VERY close friends know, but other than that - no one knows.  Unfortunately, I had to lie to my mother-in-law today...I feel TERRIBLE about it. My husband doesn't know his family history (to be honest, I needed my mother's help for a lot of my family history).  Because of this, I needed to ask my mother-in-law for his side of the family's history. I told her that we had to see a geneticist because we eventually want to have children, and it required us to fill out a bunch of paperwork on his family history. I feel MISERABLE lying to her, but I didn't know what else to say.

Other than that, the day has been a little emotional. I find myself sad one minute and fine the next. I tell myself I could handle not having kids if I had to, and then I know I'm lying to myself.  I feel like I'm going to cry at any given second, but then I find myself laughing instead.  It's definitely going to be a rollercoaster of emotions for the next few days, weeks, months, years...who knows how long.

Telling my husband was hard.  VERY hard.  I told him I was ok with it, and then suddenly started crying. I think I sobbed for an hour straight last night, until I finally couldn't cry anymore.  We realized we are going to have some tough decisions to make, and some tough days ahead of us.  I'm glad that I have him by my side for this journey, that's for sure.

We came to the conclusion, when I could finally talk again after crying, that 2011 has been an exhausting and difficult year for us.  We have had a lot thrown at us, and we are having trouble in two major parts of our life: job and family.  We are stressed, tired, and sometimes defeated, but our love for each other keeps getting stronger.  We will both be VERY happy to ring in 2012 in a few months! :) 

Ultrasound Update

Earlier, I posted a really short blog about the following information. Now, having time to reflect upon it and relax, I have edited the post (the information is the same, just written better now). 

Early this morning, I received a call from U of C regarding my ultrasound results.  The nurse, Karen, stated that there was nothing that required immediate attention, but there were some serious concerns about what the films showed.  She said that my high-risk OB felt the best course of action was to be set up with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE for short) who would help with infertility.

Immediately, upon hearing the word infertility, my heart sank.  I have always in the back of my mind thought we would need help getting pregnant. I have worried about it since I was a child due to my CF and very painful/irregular periods.  Hearing your fears confirmed, however, is a whole other feeling.  I was heartbroken.  I sat sobbing on the couch after getting off the phone with her, trying to compose myself.

The only thing I could figure out to do was to write.  That’s why this blog was so all over the place earlier.  I needed to get it out of my system and I wanted to share it with all of you, who were wondering about the results.  The writing helped ease my sadness and fears, and helped me realize that I needed to start a plan of action. 

Karen (my high-risk OB’s nurse) had set up the first available appointment with the RE.  She had wanted to get me in TODAY, but unfortunately he was 100% booked and could not see me until he returned from his 2 and ½ week trip out of the country.  She set up the appointment for Nov. 21 and told me to call the office to set up insurance and get directions.

I called the office and am already very impressed with the kindness of the staff.  The receptionist was amazingly comforting while explaining how everything would work.  She gave me the directions, including the fact that the office offers free parking – amazing when you consider it’s in DOWNTOWN Chicago.  The office is still through U of C, but it is their downtown campus – looks like we’ll be doing some Christmas shopping after the appointment!   She also gave me the link for all of the paperwork (all 10 pages of it, no exaggeration) that needs to be filled out prior to my arrival. 

From there, I called the insurance company.  Again, I was so grateful for their compassion and help with this situation.  They explained my benefits fully (what would/wouldn’t be covered).  They made sure I understood the insurance jargon, and they reassured me that they would be there if I needed help understanding any paperwork further down the line.  I will say, we are VERY blessed by our insurance coverage.  Almost everything will be covered. We will have to pay for part of it, but not the whole thing. Thank goodness.

After getting off the phone with the insurance company, the RE’s office called back and said they had a cancellation for next Monday!!! I am so grateful that I won’t have to wait 3 weeks to see the doctor. We can see him, figure out exactly what the ultrasound showed, and set up further testing.  I read the website and it said after the initial consultation, it will be 4-6 weeks worth of testing before they set up a plan. 

So how am I going to handle this? That’s the next question.  The answer: I’m making it a positive experience.  Yes, I had always wanted to have a baby naturally, without medical help, but that’s just not going to be possible.  I confided in one of my good friends earlier, and she said something very accurate: It will still be our baby – whether it happens naturally, from a petri dish, or I find one in the  driveway.  It will still be our child and we will love him/her the same.  And really, that’s the goal, isn’t it? A happy, healthy baby, regardless of the method it took to get there. 

I’m also deciding that this will be a way for me to form a closer relationship to God and to form a closer bond with my husband.  We will have to be there for each other like never before through this process.  It will strengthen our love and our marriage. 

If you've gotten this far and are still reading this - I'm impressed! I'm sorry it's so long, just a lot to share.  When I started this blog, I decided I would share everything with my readers.  That hasn’t changed.  There are a vast number of women who go through infertility, and there are many cysters who go through it as well.  There’s not enough information out there, and I will share my experience, my thoughts, my worries, and my accomplishments with you all.  I can guarantee that there will be times when what I share is emotional and poorly-written, but it will all be part of this journey.  If it can provide one OUNCE of comfort for someone else, then it’s all worth it to me. 

Also, keeping with what I said last night, I feel like I need to add what I'm thankful for today.  I'm thankful that I have access to tremendous doctors and medical support staff. I know many people are not nearly as fortunate as I am. I'm truly blessed.  I am thankful for the insurance we have, and for how much they are willing to cover during this process.  Also, I am very fortunate for my support system; my husband, mother, sisters, friends, and my CF community. I honestly don’t know how I would be handling this without that system.  Wow, am I blessed!!