Just Another Hurdle to Jump

Over the past few weeks, we have been getting excited (and anxious) about starting infertility treatments. On Monday, I received a call with my liver results, which we were expecting to be good (due to my enzyme levels in Dec. and the ultrasound tech saying that my liver looked good).  My Dr. stated that my ultrasound, did indeed look great, but my new enzyme level draws (from 2-9) showed that my levels were once again elevated.  Because of this, she can not recommend us for fertility treatments or for me to carry a pregnancy because she is unsure what is going on in my liver (IVF drugs and pregnancy can throw a regular liver into overdrive, so a liver that is already damaged can have permanent damage).  She said that she wants to re-draw my liver enzyme levels in another month, and if they are still high at that point, she wants to do a biopsy to figure out what's wrong.  Hopefully, the blood draw will come back ok.

Basically, we've reached yet another hurdle that we have to jump over.  This time, however, I'm not able to see the finish line beyond the hurdle.  I realize this may be a bit dramatic, but honestly I'm just getting tired of hearing "just one more test," or "you need another approval letter."  I want to hear, "Ok, we're all set to go with this."  I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

Because of yet another hurdle (this one being more serious than ones we've encountered in the past), we are trying to prepare ourselves for the worst, but still hope for the best.  We are seriously considering, for the first time, that maybe our path isn't meant to include children that are genetically ours.  We are openly talking about adoption or fostering, and we are also trying to accept that it may just be the two of us forever.  Right now, we can barely afford to keep ourselves afloat, let alone be accepted for adoption or fostering (and this is before the CF consideration). Adoption and fostering may simply be out of the question. Yes, these are possibilities that may never occur, but they are real possibilities, and they have to be considered.

Needless to say, Monday night I sat and cried for hours, and my husband held me for hours.  He told me we'd face it all together, no matter what.  He told me that while it has always been his dream to have kids, he'd throw it all away if he could just have me in his arms forever.  As much as we both hate this infertility journey, we can't disagree with the fact that it is bringing us closer and closer with each new barrier we have to break down.

It's Wednesday now, and we're able to look at everything a bit more rationally and a bit less emotionally.  That said, we are (despite what the doctor stated) going to keep trying for a baby naturally. Although it may not be recommended, most of the CFers I know have slightly elevated liver enzymes, and they still are fine throughout a pregnancy.  I'm ok with not having fertility treatments for another few months, but I'm not ok, and will not be ok, with abandoning trying to conceive altogether. My doctor has done every test, short of a biopsy now, and it all looks ok, just with an elevated enzyme level (of 44 I might add which isn't much higher than normal). We will keep trying naturally.

So for now, our plan is to continue trying, continue praying, and continue trusting in God's plan. We firmly believe it will work out the way it's supposed to, and if we are meant to not have kids, then that's the way it goes and we will figure it out together.