This is long overdue, but I'm finally getting around to posting the remainder of her birth story. This part continues on from the moments after her birth until the day we were able to take her home. Again, this is quite long so I understand if you choose not to read it or just speed read through it. Thank you all for being so patient with me:
After they were done stitching me up, I asked the nurse when
I would be able to see you, my sweet baby. She told me the horribly difficult
news that I would have to wait 24 hours from your delivery time to be able to
see you because the magnesium sulfate combined with risk of stroke requires bed
rest for the first 24 hours.
I was devastated.
Here I was, lying and waiting to see your beautiful face
after months and months of anxiety over the pregnancy and hours and hours of
labor, and yet I was going to have to wait even longer. I ended up falling
asleep as my body was so exhausted it couldn’t stay up any longer, but sleep
was fleeting at best between nurse checks, breathing treatments, and the pain
from the tear.
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| One of the pictures your daddy took to show me while I waited to see you in person. |
At some point during the early morning, your daddy and
Grandma Murray went to go take a look at you in the NICU. Daddy took many pictures
of you so that I could see you even if it couldn’t be in person. During the
rest of that day, I worked on getting the needed sleep for my body and I cried
while staring at your picture and realizing that you didn’t have me by you to
comfort you.
As the day drug on I kept checking the clock to see how much
closer I was to getting to hold you and kiss your sweet face. The minutes moved
agonizingly slow, and I swore at points time was moving backward. As I fell asleep for the night, I reassured
myself by knowing I would finally be able to see you the next day, but my heart
was unable to keep me asleep for long. At 3:30 AM, I woke up and I stared at
the clock for 55 minutes, until I paged the nurse to have them take my IV out
so that I could go upstairs and finally hold my precious miracle.
Daddy grabbed a wheelchair, and I got myself all set to go
see you for really the first time since the brief minute I got with you after
your birth was not nearly enough. Daddy pushed me gently through the halls, and
as he made his way up to the door of the NICU I felt my heart pounding heavy in
my chest. This was it. The day I had dreamed about and longed for my entire
life; I was going to really hold my sweet precious daughter for the first time.
As I approached your incubator, I saw the most gorgeous face
I had ever seen. You had these massively adorable chubby cheeks and your eyes
were so cute as they were so tightly shut to get the much-needed sleep your
body craved after such a hard delivery. They had a cute pink hat on you, but I
could see little tufts of bright yellow hair sticking out from underneath it.
You were swaddled pretty well, but your long sweet fingers were sticking up
just above the edge of the blanket, and I marveled at how beautiful they were. Then,
I asked the nurse if I could hold you, and my heart leapt when she said yes.
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| My first time holding you after birth. |
At this point, I should add that they made me gown, glove,
and mask to be able to hold you since you were in the NICU, so while I was able
to have you physically in my arms, I had yet to actually touch you with my bare
hands. It would be another few days before I could finally stroke your sweet
cheek or feel that soft downy hair on my fingertips, and waiting for that was
terrible for me. I fought the nurses quite hard to be able to finally touch
you.
At least I was able to hold you though, and I was able to
feel just how light 5 pounds 14 ounces really was in my arms. I fed you a prepared bottle, and I just
stared and stared at the miracle of you. I couldn’t fathom how such a perfect
and beautiful baby had grown inside of my body which had always failed me in
multiple ways before. Yet here you were…perfection.
This was also the first time Daddy held you as he waited for
me to be there with him. From the second you were in his arms all I could see
in his face was wonder and love. He stared at your perfect cherub features, and
he could hardly get over everything we had triumphed over to get to this point.
We were finally holding the biggest blessing the Lord could ever give us, and
we knew we needed to cherish the moment because it was the most special day of
our lives.
After an hour or so I was hurting so badly from sitting up
that I had to make my way back to my room despite my overwhelming need to never
leave your side. I sat with tears, both happy and sad, as your daddy wheeled me
back to bed. I was over the moon that you were so beautiful and so healthy, but
my heart was ripped apart at the thought of not having you right by my side at
all times.
The rest of the day was a little bit better as I could
technically go down to see you whenever I wanted. The problem was that I was
still in so much pain that sitting up was very difficult to do so I had to
watch the amount of time I was actually up and not recovering. I remember
thinking often that if I didn’t have cystic fibrosis you would be in my room
with me, and I wouldn’t even have to worry about splitting my time. I was reassured,
however, by the fact that the NICU nurses expected you to be out of the NICU by
the next morning.
Your second day of life was really such a busy day for you
in the NICU. We were able to have your grandparents hold you, and your Aunties
and Uncles came to see you as well. My
heart was heavy that I couldn’t be in there to see their reactions upon seeing
you for the first time (We were limited to two people in the NICU at one time),
but they all came back to my room with overwhelming joy on their faces. Oh
kiddo, they were just so happy to meet you for the first time!
As the day turned to evening, we settled in with the happy
thought that we would have you in our room the next day. We fell asleep rather
quickly as we were both exhausted, but I woke up to head into the nursery to
feed you every three hours. Feeding you
was (and is) such a beautiful time for us. You struggled with nursing, but even
bottle feeding was just amazing. There is something that connects you deeply in
your soul as you feed your own child regardless of what method is used. I
sincerely pray that you get to experience this feeling once you are an adult.
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| A picture of you with the NG tube. |
When the next morning finally rolled around, we learned the devastating
news that you wouldn’t be joining us as you still had to regulate your blood
sugars. We understood that the NICU was the best place for you, but it was so
hard to hear this news. We ate breakfast and headed down to see you only to
find that you had an NG tube placed after your last feeding as you didn’t take
enough formula to maintain your sugars. We had been warned that this might
happen, but seeing you with that tube in your nose was so overwhelming that your
daddy and I stood there with tears. We were so very sorry that you had to go
through this – that you had to handle this fight for the first few days of your
life. You had such a rough delivery that you were simply exhausted and had
trouble eating at all.
After this day, the remaining time in the NICU seemed to
blend together. You were in there to heal for a total of nine days, and your
Daddy and I hardly ever left your side. We had to head home for a few hours to
take care of bills and grab my treatment supplies since unfortunately life
doesn’t stop even when your own world has temporarily halted. We immediately
came back up to see you, and we refused to leave you other than for meals.
We truly believe it was our dedication to staying by your
side that got you out of the NICU as soon as you did. You struggled immensely
with feedings as you were too tired to suck and swallow efficiently. We often
had to strip you naked and tickle your toes or sides to wake you up enough to
eat, and even then you wouldn’t eat enough to keep your sugars stable. Because of
this, most of your feeds continued through the NG tube. Thankfully within another day your sugars had
stabilized, but you continued to have trouble eating enough to maintain your
weight.
Since we were the ones always feeding you and watching you,
however, we noticed that you started taking less and less through a bottle and
requiring more food through tube feedings. Your nurses fought with us that this
was because you were a daughter to a diabetic mom, and you would struggle with
eating for quite some time. They assured us you might be in here for months
before heading home, and we found ourselves outraged as we knew you were
perfectly healthy (aside from having trouble eating).
At one point we came back from a meal to find that you had
only taken 10 ccs of milk (you were taking 30 ccs by yourself at birth so this
seemed odd to us). Your daddy and I prayed and talked in depth about what to do
because we couldn’t believe that you were regressing in your feeding abilities.
The nurse again told us this was because you were too exhausted to eat (due to
my diabetes), and she told us to let them tube feed you the entire night
through. We had such a hard time believing this, but we allowed them to do this
as we knew this would tell us if it was truly you being too tired to eat or
not.
As the next morning rolled around, you were well-rested and
the most awake we had ever seen you. You were staring at us with your
beautifully large and innocent eyes, and you stayed awake for such long
stretches that we were stunned. Yet you still wouldn’t eat. You took only
11ccs, and that confirmed our instinct that you had become lazy. You never had
to eat (which was a lot of work for you) in order to feel full, so you chose
not to do the work. You were quite smart right from birth, Munchkin.
We then fought terribly hard to be able to get the NG tube
out of you so that we could try feeding you without the tube helping you. The
physician’s assistant told us that our “little experiment” wouldn’t work, and
you would have to be back on the NG tube by the next day. We didn’t care as we
knew we had to try. We also felt in our hearts that you were perfectly capable
of taking enough food, but you simply didn’t have to with the NG tube in.
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| Your first pictures after the NG tube was removed. |
The first feeding after the tube was out was another meager
11ccs, but we expected this as we knew you were waiting to feel full from the
tube. When you didn’t receive that supplement through the tube, you were
actually trying to suck on your hands to show us you were hungry a mere two
hours later! We could hardly believe it as you had never shown a single hunger
cue until then! The next feeding you
managed 20 ccs, and then a few hours later you ate 30! From there you
maintained 30-45 ccs at each feeding!! We were so very proud of you because we
knew you could do it!
The next 48 hours were quite important for you as we had to
watch and wait to ensure you would continue to take enough each feeding. There
was one feeding that you took about 15 ccs, and I found myself in tears as I
worried this would make them put the tube back in. They reassured me, however,
that as long as you maintained an average of 32 ccs per feeding then they would
leave the tube out. Well Angel, you did it! You maintained the average you
needed just fine, and over the 48 hours after the tube’s removal you managed to
eat on your own and gain weight!!
The doctor’s told us that you would be able to come home as
long as you passed their car seat test (a test to make sure you could handle
being in a car seat for an hour and half without having any breathing
problems)! Oh we were so happy, Sydney! We found ourselves holding our breath
throughout the car seat test, but of course you passed it with flying colors!
When the physician’s assistant (a different one than from before) asked if we
wanted to take you home, I sat and cried. I had prayed and longed for this day
since your birth, and it was finally coming true!
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| During your car seat test! |
We dressed you in the sweetest pink outfit, and we wrapped
you in the two blankets that I came home in as a baby! We then waited so
patiently so that we could complete all the discharge paperwork required by the
NICU. As we walked you downstairs in your car seat, we were stunned at how much
we had gone through and you had gone through to get to this point. And here we
were finally heading home with the most precious package we had ever been
given!
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| Your going-home outfit. It was different than we anticipated because of how small you were, but you looked beautiful regardless! |
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| You were so tiny in the car seat! Here you are coming home for the first time in the same blankets Mommy came home in. |
Your car ride home and the whole first day home were quite
uneventful. We spent the entire time staring at you, feeding you, and cuddling
you. In fact, that’s pretty much all we did for the next month!
Sydney, carrying you in my body and birthing you was truly
the best thing I have ever done in my entire life. I cherished every single
moment I could of the entire experience, and I am trying to cherish every
moment of your infancy as well. I find myself ignoring chores just so that I
can sit and stare at your beautiful face. I hold you, and tears roll down my
cheeks as I sit and think of just how blessed I am. My life has never been more
perfect than it is now that you are here, and every single day that I wake up
and get to see your gorgeous face is another blessing that I intend to enjoy
fully! Thank you, baby girl, for changing my life so wholly and wonderfully.
You are incredible, and I look forward to every single moment we will be lucky
enough to share together as the days, weeks, months, and years go on. I love
you, Sydney, more than words will ever convey.
Love, Mom
