Confession #1

It may not surprise you that when I was a child, I was the *annoying* kid in the classroom who always had her hand up to read out loud. Even if I just read a paragraph, once the teacher would ask my hand would go up again. I simply loved reading out loud. Sadly, I think part of it was that I was really good at pronouncing hard words that the other kids couldn't pronounce. I also enjoyed adding tone and inflection to my reading because the other kids made it boring to me. So as often as I could, I would read out loud. 

Here's my confession: I still like reading out loud, even if no one is around. Sometimes stories just sound better read out loud, especially certain passages. Also, if I have a hard time understanding a passage, reading it out loud significantly helps me to grasp and retain the information. But more often than not, I'm reading young adult novels and they just sound GREAT read out loud. I try to convince myself that I'm practicing for having children, but it's not true. I just do it for fun.

Yes, I'm strange and I'm totally ok with that. :) 

About the title of this post: I plan on writing different confessions for awhile. I feel like revealing more about who I really am. This may be a dangerous idea as I may end up with no readers. 

Commitment to Compliance

When I was teenager, I was never compliant with my treatments. I used to do them sporadically at best. It was hard to understand what purpose they served because I didn't cough often, I felt really well nearly all the time, and I had really good lung function. The teenage mentality had hit me, and I couldn't understand the concept of doing something now that would help me later. 

Sadly, I do believe some of the neglect to do my treatments was due to fear of the disease. I feared other people finding out about it, I feared what would happen if/when I got sick, and I feared dying from it more than anything. It took me a long time to get over these fears, and I struggled to be "normal" for as long as possible. Unfortunately, these fears and lack of compliance with treatments have taken their toll, and my lung function is nowhere near the 100+ that it used to be. It truly saddens me to think that I couldn't be responsible enough to take care of my body at a younger age.

Fast forward to 2012.

It's 4 AM, and I am sitting here doing my treatment. In fact, I can't tell you the last time I missed a treatment because it's been years. I don't care if I'm super busy, I don't care if other people are around, and I certainly don't care if I'm too tired to do it (a common excuse I used to give and still sometimes try to pull off until my husband gives me the "are you kidding me?" look). I do my treatments. Every day. EVEN when it's not easy.

Today was a prime example of not easy. We were lazy this morning and I didn't get my first treatment done until 2 PM, and I needed to do chores/get ready to leave for a surprise baby shower for my sister-in-law so I put off boiling my nebulizers to sterilize them. I should note here that I have to boil my nebs every single day. Insurance won't let me have more than 4 nebulizers, and I've cultured bugs in my lungs from tap water so the healthiest thing for me is to do daily boiling. It's a little inconvenient at times, but it's not too big of a deal.

Well, I got dressed and did my chores, and I left the house without boiling my nebs (shame on me). Because it was an awesome party, and we don't get to see David's family enough, we didn't get home until 10 PM. That meant I was sterilizing nebs at 10:15 PM. This meant that I was looking at 12:15 before I could do my treatment because the nebulizers need time to air dry. Sometimes, there are really hard times when I just want to go to bed rather than do my treatment. I force myself to remember that tiredness is not worth the way I will feel in the morning if I skip a treatment, but I also compromise. I usually take a nap when late sterilization happens. Today was one of those compromise days.

So I went to bed. And slept. And slept. And slept. Sometimes, compliance is more than just a one person job as I need a kick in the behind once in awhile, and thankfully I have a wonderful husband who does just that. He says he does it because he wants to see me around for quite some time, but sometimes I think he just enjoys seeing me extremely groggy and confused from being in a deep sleep ;) . Today was one of those times where, if it wasn't for my other half, I wouldn't have woken up and my compliance streak would have been broken. But he woke me, and I grumbled and got out of bed to start my treatment at 4 AM. And, in my opinion, anyone who wakes up and gets out of a warm comfy bed when it is 32 degrees outside, stumbles downstairs, and does a treatment this late in the night just so she doesn't skip a treatment, is 100% committed to compliance.

I've decided I want to be here a long time, God willing, but if I don't make compliance and exercise my priorities, I won't have that luxury. So, while getting up at 4 AM is not fun, it's one of the million things I'm willing to do to try and keep myself healthy. AND my lungs will thank me in for it in the morning.

My Dog's Halloween Costume

We don't really dress our dog up for Halloween, but if we did I'd have to make her a Jedi from Star Wars:

Then again, some may argue that she just looks like she's medicated and dealing drugs. . . .

The Perfect Reading Weather

If you're a reader, you will understand this post perfectly.

Yesterday evening was the perfect reading weather. To be honest, I have four to eight different "perfect reading weather" situations which correlate with the different seasons, but it's been awhile since this one has visited me.

Around three o'clock yesterday the air turned extremely cool, and by the time I went to pick up David, I was sorry I hadn't grabbed a sweater. As the sun continued to set, the air continued to turn cooler and the wind picked up. I was secretly hoping it was coming and sure enough, by 8 o'clock, I had my perfect reading weather.

It was extremely windy and the rain was slightly tapping against the windows. The air was so crisp that I debated over opening a window for the evening, but I couldn't resist the lure of the fresh air filling the house. So, I opened the window just slightly, lit my mulled cider candle, and I grabbed a big, warm, and fuzzy blanket from the closet.

As the rain steadily ran down the windows, I cuddled that blanket up to my shoulders and I read for a good amount of time. My current book is Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury, which fit the rainy setting and helped to chill me even more.  It couldn't have been more perfect; a scary book, autumn chilled air, a warm blanket, the drizzling rain, and the scent of a cider candle filling the house made for the best reading weather I've had in a long time.

In case you were wondering, my other favorite fall reading weather is when it is beautifully sunny outside and the colors of the trees are painting the sky with vivid colors that can't help but make you smile.

What about you? If you're a reader, what is the perfect reading situation/environment for you?

Feelings Over my FET

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I had just finished my first full fresh cycle. At this point, I was pretty sure that the transfer had failed, and my body was sore, exhausted, and desperate for normalcy. In fact, I dreaded the frozen transfer because the fresh cycle was so difficult on my body.

Now, I feel like I'm not really preparing for a transfer. It's interesting to notice the differences between a fresh cycle and a frozen cycle. After so many ultrasounds, blood checks, injections, and surgery I felt like I needed to rent an apartment in the city to make it easier! This time around there are two appointments. That's it - just two. Yes, there is a daily injection (as opposed to 3 - 4), and there is some medication, but that's the extent of it. It is, in a word, strange. 

This cycle is just drastically different from the fresh transfer. We've been keeping it very quiet as well because we want to experience it ourselves, so the pain or excitement of the result can be processed as a couple. Doing so allows us to feel like we're "normal" even when we're not. Also, the fewer appointments allows it to feel less medically involved also, which is a great feeling. 

I've reached my point, however, where I am beyond ready to be pregnant. I need this to work now. It's so crushing and depressing to find out your body doesn't work the way it's supposed to month after month, and it's been eating away at me over the past few days. I've been in a dark place, and I just keep praying that this is my time to carry a child - to experience the joy of having a living being growing inside of me. We have heard a few comments from people over the last few weeks, and they've irritated me to no end (the Lupron may be partly to blame for this irritation/sadness). Here they are, from least to most irritating:

"Just wait - having kids means no more sleeping in!"  - I don't sleep in now, and getting up for a baby would be a much better reason to not sleep.

"You'll never have free time once you have a kid." - Great! I'm ready to someone to love, teach, discipline, and just be with every second of every day.

"You're lucky! You don't have kids to take away your life yet" - Really? This is one thing you should never say to someone with infertility. YOU, dear parent-friend, are the lucky one.

"I can't wait to see you guys try this - it's not as easy as it looks." - I never said parenting was easy. In fact, it's the hardest job there is - I can't wait to be blessed enough to experience it.

and my personal favorite:

"Well, it's ok that you're not pregnant, you have PLENTY of time - you're YOUNG." - One, it's NOT ok that I'm not pregnant. It is in no way, shape, or form, ok. Second, you obviously do not a thing about me because I don't have plenty of time to have a baby. My prime baby-carrying time is NOW. 

Needless to say, I've been staying away from people over the last week or so!

So, those are my feelings right now. Sad, I know..but I promise the next post will be more uplifting! 

Thank Goodness its Thursday!

I am so glad that this week is going by quickly. I am desperate for the weekend right now. I want to cuddle with my husband in bed on Saturday morning while the sun streams through the window. The chill of the autumn air making us pull the covers around our chins. The smell of coffee brewing downstairs. The peaceful look on our dogs face as she catches the last few minutes of sleep.

Without a doubt, this is my favorite time of the week. I look forward to it each Saturday morning, and it changes slightly throughout the year depending on the weather outside. I think I've been craving these times increasingly more because of the beginning of the school year. With David coming home and working until 11 PM on school work, we don't have as much time together as I'd prefer. It makes me long for the weekends.

My other Saturday favorite - coffee in our huge mugs from Disney

While I wait for Saturday, however, I have plenty to do. I have a house which desperately needs cleaning. It astounds me how the house can be clean one night and a disaster the next night (and we don't even have children yet)! I also have laundry which needs to be done, and I am kicking myself for not making my own laundry detergent yet because the store detergent is expensive. Today, I have an appointment with my ENT at University of Chicago as well. I've been having bad sinus headaches, bloody noses, and swollen lymph nodes in my neck/shoulders, so I think it's time that I am seen. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but hopefully I can find some relief from the pressure.

So, it's a busy time until the weekend, but it will all be worth it the moment that I wake up with my sweetheart next to me and knowing we have nothing to do for a few hours. Best. Feeling. Ever. 

Ready for Relaxation

The arrival of September also brings the chaos of the new school year, and this year is no different. I have been feeling the strong inner pull to write for the past few weeks, but I've had so little time as I help my husband prepare for and start his new year. Although I posted about this just a bit ago, I am amazed by how much time is still being taken up by school work.

As soon as the rhythm of the new year is down, I will finally be able to attend to the things I have been craving. I've been breathing in the cool bite of the end-of-summer nights, and it has led me to crave pumpkin rolls, caramel apples, soups, homemade bread, and the distinct smell of turning leaves. I've also been dreaming of getting back into my book which I have taken a hiatus from writing. I thoroughly enjoy writing in my blog, but the words I put down for my book are much more creative and (in my opinion) beautiful. It's a whole different style of writing, and I long to get back to it.

I also am preparing my body as much as possible for this transfer, and I'm proud of that. I've been exercising and eating more often throughout the day. My weight is up to 119 which is about where I was prior to the egg retrieval. I have never felt such a strong desire to be a mother, and I sincerely hope this is my time. No matter what, I will know that I'm doing as much as possible to help the process along.

So here's to September, to cooler nights, the tastes of fall, more writing, and hopefully a successful transfer.