Feelings Over my FET

It's hard to believe that a month ago, I had just finished my first full fresh cycle. At this point, I was pretty sure that the transfer had failed, and my body was sore, exhausted, and desperate for normalcy. In fact, I dreaded the frozen transfer because the fresh cycle was so difficult on my body.

Now, I feel like I'm not really preparing for a transfer. It's interesting to notice the differences between a fresh cycle and a frozen cycle. After so many ultrasounds, blood checks, injections, and surgery I felt like I needed to rent an apartment in the city to make it easier! This time around there are two appointments. That's it - just two. Yes, there is a daily injection (as opposed to 3 - 4), and there is some medication, but that's the extent of it. It is, in a word, strange. 

This cycle is just drastically different from the fresh transfer. We've been keeping it very quiet as well because we want to experience it ourselves, so the pain or excitement of the result can be processed as a couple. Doing so allows us to feel like we're "normal" even when we're not. Also, the fewer appointments allows it to feel less medically involved also, which is a great feeling. 

I've reached my point, however, where I am beyond ready to be pregnant. I need this to work now. It's so crushing and depressing to find out your body doesn't work the way it's supposed to month after month, and it's been eating away at me over the past few days. I've been in a dark place, and I just keep praying that this is my time to carry a child - to experience the joy of having a living being growing inside of me. We have heard a few comments from people over the last few weeks, and they've irritated me to no end (the Lupron may be partly to blame for this irritation/sadness). Here they are, from least to most irritating:

"Just wait - having kids means no more sleeping in!"  - I don't sleep in now, and getting up for a baby would be a much better reason to not sleep.

"You'll never have free time once you have a kid." - Great! I'm ready to someone to love, teach, discipline, and just be with every second of every day.

"You're lucky! You don't have kids to take away your life yet" - Really? This is one thing you should never say to someone with infertility. YOU, dear parent-friend, are the lucky one.

"I can't wait to see you guys try this - it's not as easy as it looks." - I never said parenting was easy. In fact, it's the hardest job there is - I can't wait to be blessed enough to experience it.

and my personal favorite:

"Well, it's ok that you're not pregnant, you have PLENTY of time - you're YOUNG." - One, it's NOT ok that I'm not pregnant. It is in no way, shape, or form, ok. Second, you obviously do not a thing about me because I don't have plenty of time to have a baby. My prime baby-carrying time is NOW. 

Needless to say, I've been staying away from people over the last week or so!

So, those are my feelings right now. Sad, I know..but I promise the next post will be more uplifting!