I haven't been blogging much lately despite the fact that I promised my blogging would pick up again once the holidays were over. I apologize for the (at the time true) statement which turned into a lie. After taking down the Christmas decorations I found myself in a slump, and I'm still there. I typically get this way once January hits, but this year it's hit a little harder than usual.
I haven't been posting as I hate writing sad posts, but as this is part of CF that I've had to deal with, I felt the necessity to get it off of my chest. I warn you now though that if you don't want to read a sad post, please just skip this one and rejoin me for my next post which will (hopefully) be much happier.
Over the past few days, a revelation dawned on me which made me quite blue: according to the "average life expectancy" (currently 38 years) of people with my disease, I now have far more yesterdays than tomorrows. I obviously hope to far surpass the average life expectancy, but just thinking about this fact made me extremely sad. There is so much that I still want to do with my life, and I feel like I have been wasting time recently. I also realize how much I want to be there to see my children have children, and I worry if I will make it there. None of us have guarantees, and I believe I've stressed that enough, but CF causes you to ponder your own mortality much sooner than you should have to.
I also started thinking about the things I would like to do, if I didn't have CF. I would love to travel the world, but my medications and requirements to stay healthy make that such a HARD thing to do. I would love to climb a mountain. I've always been fascinated with mountains, but I know my lungs couldn't do it. I would thoroughly enjoy being a nurse, but the germ exposure is too much of a risk. I would love to learn gymnastics as I've always found the sport to be quite beautiful. Again, my lungs wouldn't handle it. Most importantly, I would have at least 3 kids. I've been quite sad thinking that our first child will probably be our last (at least naturally, although adoption or surrogacy is always an option). I think that's the crushed dream which I find it the hardest to accept. Pregnancy can be quite difficult on a CFer, and I don't know that I will risk my health to carry another if I already have one child to take care of.
This disease needs a cure, that's for sure. I want to be here for a very long time, and I want to raise my CHILDREN and see them become good, kind people.
Again, my apologies for writing such a sad post, but I felt it needed to be said. Hopefully the next post will find me much more chipper and optimistic!
I haven't been posting as I hate writing sad posts, but as this is part of CF that I've had to deal with, I felt the necessity to get it off of my chest. I warn you now though that if you don't want to read a sad post, please just skip this one and rejoin me for my next post which will (hopefully) be much happier.
Over the past few days, a revelation dawned on me which made me quite blue: according to the "average life expectancy" (currently 38 years) of people with my disease, I now have far more yesterdays than tomorrows. I obviously hope to far surpass the average life expectancy, but just thinking about this fact made me extremely sad. There is so much that I still want to do with my life, and I feel like I have been wasting time recently. I also realize how much I want to be there to see my children have children, and I worry if I will make it there. None of us have guarantees, and I believe I've stressed that enough, but CF causes you to ponder your own mortality much sooner than you should have to.
I also started thinking about the things I would like to do, if I didn't have CF. I would love to travel the world, but my medications and requirements to stay healthy make that such a HARD thing to do. I would love to climb a mountain. I've always been fascinated with mountains, but I know my lungs couldn't do it. I would thoroughly enjoy being a nurse, but the germ exposure is too much of a risk. I would love to learn gymnastics as I've always found the sport to be quite beautiful. Again, my lungs wouldn't handle it. Most importantly, I would have at least 3 kids. I've been quite sad thinking that our first child will probably be our last (at least naturally, although adoption or surrogacy is always an option). I think that's the crushed dream which I find it the hardest to accept. Pregnancy can be quite difficult on a CFer, and I don't know that I will risk my health to carry another if I already have one child to take care of.
This disease needs a cure, that's for sure. I want to be here for a very long time, and I want to raise my CHILDREN and see them become good, kind people.
Again, my apologies for writing such a sad post, but I felt it needed to be said. Hopefully the next post will find me much more chipper and optimistic!
Oh man, Megan... I could have written this post myself! Mahon and I both come from families of 6 kids and, in a perfect world, we would have 5 or 6 ourselves. And the funny thing is, I know that if CF weren't a factor, I could do it. I'm terrific with kids and have a lot of experience with taking care of a lot of kids at once. I guess that's one of the ironies of life!
ReplyDeleteI definitely have these moments too, where I just feel overwhelmed with all that it seems like CF has taken out of my life. I think it's a natural part of the disease, and I applaud you for being honest about your feelings even when they aren't fun. I hope that the "funk" ends soon! I'm going to try to get you a letter this afternoon. :)
I don' think you should ever apologize for the way you feel because your feelings are valid. Honestly, I think every CFer that ever existed can relate to your post. I completely relate in so many points.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about children. If I didn't have CF I would have 4 and would never ever consider having an only child. I am overjoyed I am having a girl (which is what I secretly always wanted), but had to grieve over the fact that I will never have a son. I too get down about all the things I would do IF it weren't for CF.
Feel sad, cry, be angry and know that it is okay to feel all emotions in life. Your negative feelings need to be let out so that you can let positive feelings in. If you need to write 30 posts that are sad to get the weight off your chest, DO IT! Do whatever you need to feel better because that is all that really matters.
Ahhh ladies, you are both a blessing to me. I am so grateful for your kind and understanding words. I shared this on my public blog as well, and the responses there were slightly different. I had a few telling me to be more upbeat, and not worry as much. I figured that it's easy for them to say. I love having my fellow cysters who just totally understand.
ReplyDelete