I May Have Overreacted . . . .

Long-post warning! Sorry for the length, but writing about it all makes it so much easier to sort it all out in my mind. :)

Ok..I'm admitting it...I may have overreacted about the progesterone shots.

I won't say that the first one wasn't a doozy because it CERTAINLY was just that. I think it was a weird adjustment for my body and coupled with anesthesia it didn't sit too well for me.

That said, the shots have gotten better. I once in awhile get a hot flash, and I'm still dealing with the constipation issue (though not NEARLY as much thanks to some help from some fellow CF friends). I do think one of my problems is that I have virtually no fat on my backside so I do wind up with extreme muscle pains from them each day. It takes about a full day without a shot for my one side to feel better, and by that time another shot is due to be injected in that same side! Needless to say, I've been sitting on heating pads a lot as it hurts each time I take a step.

It's worth it though. Definitely.

Other symptoms from the shot have included an increase in appetite (which is good since my weight is down to 113...ouch), and I'm pretty tired, but it's nothing I can't handle!

Tomorrow, after my transfer (did I really just write that?!?!), I will switch to the suppositories so it will give my skinny little bum a chance to heal!

In other news, I did test for the trigger shot today. I was actually excited just to see a positive since I've never personally gotten one, and even though I knew it was going to be "fake," I wanted to see it. Well, surprise surprise..the trigger shot is already out. I don't know if this is because I metabolize things quickly or not, but I was a bit disappointed. On the bright side, if I decide to test early now I know that a positive is really a positive!

I also found myself very down yesterday after hearing from more than one person (indirectly) that they really don't think IVF will ever work for us.  I have obviously been worried about that from day one as I injected myself with crazy hormones for the process. Hearing it from other people is hard, though. I've been trying not to be pessimistic, but I've found it so difficult. I look at the statistics of it, and I realize that more than likely it will definitely take more than once to make it happen. I also worry that our little embryos won't make it to day 5, and I won't have a transfer at all. I know this is supposed to be a time of relaxation, but it's the farthest thing from it. As a fellow reader (and CFer) commented, it's completely out of my hands which is why the worry is there.

In a way, the worry shouldn't be there at all if it's out of my hands since God has a perfect plan..regardless of what I want to happen. He knows when it's right, and I have to trust Him. Also, I truly believe that with Him anything is possible. Even the impossible.

I will say that my negative feelings have been a bit way off from the beginning. I was sure that I wouldn't make it to egg retrieval..then I was sure that I would ovulate early, and we would wind up with no eggs. From there, I just knew that our eggs wouldn't fertilize, and then if they did, they wouldn't make it to day 3. I am not normally a negative person at all, but I think I'm just safe-guarding my heart from failure as much as possible. This is by far the most emotionally invested I have ever felt about something, and failure would hurt. A lot.

The two things I have tried to focus on are God's power to do anything - even the impossible, and the fact that not only did the eggs fertilize, but all 4 of them look perfect on day 3. The fact that we have created embryos and they have done this well for this long already is truly miraculous. It fascinates me, and it amazes me. It also makes me think that perhaps the problem really has been that egg couldn't meet sperm before. So maybe once that problem is out of the equation, the end result will be success.

Ok...I'm ready! Bring on the transfer!!

To Transfer or Not to Transfer?

At 5 AM this morning, we were up and going.  I had to shower, do my treatment, eat breakfast, make coffee, and then of course take my progesterone in oil shot.

Then, we began our journey to the clinic for what felt like the millionth time. We ended up making great time, and we got there before 8 AM. We went in, and the doctor wanted to check all of my vitals for signs of OHSS. So, we did just that.

Well, my vitals looked GREAT! My pulse was a little high, but it always is so he wasn't concerned. So with my weight being the same as on transfer day, my vitals being good, and looking good, he wasn't concerned about OHSS. I could have told him that, but I get why it's better to be safe than sorry. Also, he did suggest a couple more options to help get rid of the constipation safely so that's what we'll work on when the issue arises again.

Then, he brought up the sweet little embryos that have been growing over the past 3 days.

Ahhh our sweet embryos! Who knew I could feel so nervous and excited for little dividing cells!

He told us that they have decided to push the transfer off because. . . *drum roll please*. . .

We have 4 PERFECT 8 CELL EMBRYOS!! This is the best they can be on day 3 so that's super exciting!

David and I almost cried lol..honestly. David even said, "I never thought I'd be this nervous about it," and Dr. agreed saying that he is ALWAYS nervous about how the embryos will do.

So, now we're hoping that they keep growing and dividing exactly the way they should, and we will have the transfer (provided at least one makes it to day 5) on Monday morning.

YAY!

Transfer Day?

Is today transfer day? That's the big question we're all waiting to hear an answer for. 

We were hoping (and still are hoping) for a day 5 transfer since it seems those have the best odds. Yesterday, however, I did call the office to ask about what I can do to ease the constipation issues I have been having. Rather than giving me a nice easy answer such as, "Try this product," or "switch to the suppositories to see if that makes it a bit easier," they told me "Come in to the office tomorrow."

They want to evaluate me for OHSS (which I'm 99% sure I don't have as I'm not gaining weight or unable to pee), and they will decide at that time whether or not we'll be doing a transfer today. 

Yesterday, I was NOT excited about this one bit because I was in so much pain from constipation..I could hardly breathe! At 3 AM, though, things MOVED and now I'm feeling conflicted....I feel now like I don't want to go up there because there's no point (I felt like this yesterday anyway), but I feel excited that today might be the day when an embryo is transferred! I definitely want them to make it to day 5 though, so I'm kind of disappointed that it may come early. I almost feel like I'm failing them if they decide to put one in early.

Yet..at the same time...I could have my future child transferred to me today...HOLY COW!!!!!!

:)

Progesterone in Oil, How I Hate You

There are very few things I hate in this world...but progesterone in oil is definitely one of them.

Within the first 12 hours of this shot I have felt the following:

- Flushed all over my face and my left arm
- Shortness of breath
- Extreme bum pain to the point where I can't sit at all unless it's on a heating pad
- Irritability/sadness
- Nausea
- Extreme boob pain to the point where I was pretty sure I was having a heart attack until I realized it was just my boobs being sore.
- Extreme constipation starting already despite having taken miralax. I may be upping my dose to twice a day or something because this is ridiculous.
- Sensitivity to smells. My beautiful Subway sandwich (which I was ALL excited to eat) smelled like something you would catch a whiff of at the baboon house of the zoo...Also water smells funky, and I can't stand my perfume.

Yep...all within 12 hours. My husband is convinced it's all in my head, but I truly don't think my head could make up all these symptoms.

Needless to say, I'm terrified for tomorrow's shot, and I'm quite ready to be done. Good thing this wasn't the first part of this IVF process or I never would have made it through..they tease you by putting it at the end: sadistic people I tell you...

We have embryos!

That's right!! We have four little sweet embryos growing in a lab and trying to get where they need to be for our transfer!

Out of the six eggs retrieved, only 4 were mature, but those four are fertilized! The nurse said we're still hopeful for a day 5 transfer because of me being so young. After the first progesterone in oil shot, however, I wouldn't be opposed to a day 3. HOLY COW.  I still feel like I have a charlie horse in my butt. I also got flushed like crazy in my face and left arm.  I also started having a bit of shortness of breath, but I don't know if that's from the oppressive humidity here, muscle soreness, the shot itself, or from the anesthesia yesterday. It's not bad enough to warrant a trip to the hospital, but it was/is noticeable.

They won't call tomorrow, but they will be calling Saturday morning to let us know how everything is looking, and to see if we'll be doing a day 3 or day 5 transfer. I'll keep you updated as we find out :)

And the egg count is. . .

6!

We ended up with 6 eggs after the retrieval today which surprised me for the number of follicles I had. That said, it only takes 1 to make a successful pregnancy, and my lining is nice and thick so hopefully it can burrow in nice and deep!

As for the pain? Not nearly as bad as I imagined. I have some cramping, and once in awhile I feel a twinge of sharp pain, but overall REALLY good (praying to God it stays that way).  I've taken one tylenol, and the anesthesia they gave me was great because I felt wide awake an hour after the whole process. I ended up forcing myself to take a nap, and I have been doing nothing but relaxing all afternoon. In fact, we're ordering Chinese food so I don't have to cook anything at all (but so that I can have something more than a sandwich since my husband does not have a strength in cooking).

They did switch things up a bit on us...originally we were planning on doing regular in vitro where they put the eggs and sperm together and let the "best one" win.  However, with the limited number of eggs and the sample given it was decided that ICSI (where one "healthy and well-chosen" sperm is put into each egg) was the best option.  They gave us the choice, but suggested ICSI. I was still under at that point, but my husband said if they felt it was best..that was the way to go. I'm proud of him for making that choice because he usually struggles with big choices like that. He did well :)

So as for me, I'm planning on taking it easy at least through tomorrow, although I do plan on cooking a nice meal tomorrow if I can manage it.

Thank you for all your good wishes, prayers, and thoughts. You all are wonderful, and I'm so grateful!

Also, I'll be posting tomorrow as soon as we know how many eggs ended up fertilized.  If the little embryos don't do too well, then we will do a day 3 transfer, but we're still hoping for a day 5.